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Life is good

Apr. 4th, 2007 | 10:52 pm
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

A long wile has past and alot has happened. Life has fully enloped me. my days with this problem seem miles and miles away, Life is good for me at the moment, im in good health a have a son on the way and im getting married in 2 weeks.

Sometimes we look at things and wonder if we will be ever able to rebuild them, like we had them before we went into that space were we needed to escape from them because our dreams had gone horabily wrong, and were turning into sereal nightmares of existance.

The answer is we can rebuild after the shit hits the fan, we are designed that way.
im down to 4 mil of subs and should be going down slowly, never tring to rush a step. i have learn the recovery for this is a slow process and we need to be carfull with the new realitys that we have created, as a sudden push could bring you back into the nightmare.

Hope is very important
It makes you grow inside
it enables you to dream
and see a future of your own makikng
Faith in ones self
and a desire for change
and a belief that you can do it
we all can do it all we have to do is try.

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(no subject)

Mar. 31st, 2007 | 07:08 pm
posted by: maybeimamazed in heroin_support

6 months clean today!

and i really don't even want it anymore.

thanks to this community for advice and kind words when i wasn't doing so well.

i'm here for anyone who needs to talk with someone that understands.

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full story of the fight

Feb. 3rd, 2007 | 01:40 pm
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

On the 02/02/2007 the APPEAL TRIBUNAL held at DERBY
By a Normal Bod and a Dr dude.

reveiew my case in a fair and un bioss manner. they found that after lookikng at it the I did forfill the right crytereia for the test and i have one my appeal with 4 added points to score a totaly of 17 points wowowo..!!!

this basicaly meens that i will no longer be on a £75 every 2 weeks i will get my 25% they took from my money wile my case weas being held i asked them why they were takeing 25% and they said incase you lose your appeal we havent go as much money to try and get back of you. i said i havent been found guilty of anything yet my case is going to appeal and your punishing me?

they replly were not punishing you, i said REALY then what do you call it then, takikng 25% of soeone income away when u heardly get enough the law says your allwoed to live on each week, and you have very big trouble and mounting depts. that is punishment through the back door.
They did say tho if i win my appeal then i have the right to claim back everything they took from me all the 25% they took each week.

i have now got closure i can get on with getting my life sorted out and cleaning up my act. this has realy beeen dragging on but im glad i did it, im glad i stood up to be counted i feel the new power of life full intergrating with my system.

If anyone wants a hand with appealing there case give me a shout and ile give you some notes.

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I will the fight for my appeal

Feb. 3rd, 2007 | 01:16 pm
mood: jubilantjubilant
music: next dorrs rock pounding through the wall
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

Today is a good day to be updateing my journal xmass is now well and truley behind us and valantines day fast approches. let me tell you about a letter i got in the post today, as followers of this journal you will of seen that the goverment saw fit to stop my beifits wile i was on a detox plan. they made up stuff and the doctor lied.!!! etc etc just cos they need to get the figures for sickness beinfit lower by anyways they seem fit. ITs rely starting to feel like they dont likes us for being ill and will go out there way to put the boot in when ever they can, but at the same time show your glossey adverts on the telleys saying how much they want to help you. in reality they dont want to help you, they havent got the time or even the resources to look for actual jobs for people there two buissy processing the clamins part of it and totaly forgeting to provide the service that they were orignaly intended to do. JOB adviser/ on SS benifit advicers, theres people have some many diufrrent roles and names they cannot possabile cover everything that they have to do. so by the time you walk upto sighn on and get help with looking for work.

they just sit you down ask if theres any changes then you sign the bit of paper then your gone, buy this time you just want to get out of there, as you will have been waiting as standred of at least and 1 hour, buy this time all the insperation and motivation about the job post we have just seen is wip[ed out buy twiching and ansious waiting time waiting to do a simple thing like sign on.

I do feel sorry for them but im also aware that they are there to help and most of the time they cant as there buissy or dont know! or have heard of the princes trust for example? what was it she asked me? I decided to ask her anymore about self empolyment incase she wanted me to explain that option to her.

Give us back our Job advisers and give us back our Social money workers give them more money they do a realy needed job and {ok stop im gonna stop ranting now and get back to the point}

hell ile start again this rant deserves its own space

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Xmass habbits

Dec. 20th, 2006 | 01:34 pm
mood: accomplished
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

Happy chrismass everyone!!!! this will be my frist clean chrismass for a good few years now and im looking forward to it. im still waiting for the benifits people to send me my payment so i can get stuff in for christmass. i need to get pressents and food in for the fewdays of festivenesss.

I also have got myself a littlebit of work in, this is realy helping get my brain back on tract, also i have gone back upto 6 mil in my tabs thats up by 2 mil to 6.
im not so happy about this right now, butim under alot of strain and need the extra 2 mil.
sometimes life can realy poke you in the eye. lol

I have felt my useual sadness around xmas time, but it has passed now and im rather lookikng forward to it. xmass allways makes me think about my family and how fucked upo thinks are, i also have two children as well that i wont be seeing on xmass day, i will miss them loads but i just have to get on with my life and make something of myself so i can give support to my ospring :)

My dreams have faded now somewhat and the years have begun to mellow me. my time with H has tought me a grate deal about myself and what i can be like. Life with H is no life at all, it totlay drains you of feeling. this i feel is why it is so addictive as it protects you from the thinks that harm you emotionaly. you dont feel them so you dont react in the way you should ie( a friend tells you your fucked up and your a rubish friend) you dont even care what they think anymore you cant feel it so you dont react. its so sad.

thats it from me for today
happy xmass everyone


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(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2006 | 09:50 pm
posted by: journaldeux in heroin_support

Hi, I just joined this community and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. My boyfriend has been using H for a few years now, and at the moment he's really trying to quit. Only a few of his close friends know about his habit, so he's trying to basically go cold turkey, except he's been taking some tranquillisers too many as he also suffers from panic attacks. At the moment we're in a long distance relationship, and I know that it's down to him to quit at the end of the day, but is there anything I could do atall to help or make it easier for him?

Thankyou for any comments.

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Time For change

Dec. 14th, 2006 | 02:25 pm
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

Its been awile since i last updated so here goes.

I have moved out of the Bronx`s (uk slum) and im living with my girlfriend and her mum in a realy nice part of leicester..
this has realy realy help with what i am going through. the place i was living was totlay doin g my head in and makikng me more and more stressed, noice was a big problem and being woke up in the morning everyday by chaves and barking dogs was not my idea of fun.

I have decided to go away into the wilderness in the new year with a friened of mine who is also on subbys we going to go away and stop takikng the remainder of our tablets and go cold turkey in the wilderness, Nature will help us through the final path, i realy need to get my shit together and do this i cant keep taking tablets everyday. its doing my head in as well.

More abut the trip when it happenes, another of my friends has just recently got himself into amphetamin abuse aka (Speed).. I think this is such a destructive drug, its corosive and rots away your body from the inside out. (H) on the otherhand has been known to preserve the body.
One of the main problems with speed is the psycossiss that happens when you dont sleep for days, you start seeing things out the corner of your eyes and hearing voices, so if you do have any slight mental health issues this will make the whole thing ten times worse.

Last year i managed to get hold of some realy realy realy good 100% pure speed known as (BASE)
and me being me set about scoffing loads, i dident qwite realise how strong this stuff was and took 3 PEA sized bits. I was up for a good 48 hours and my heart felt like it was about to smash through my rib cage. this was not the only problem, i was workikng some magic at the time as well and managed to catapulkt myself into another dimention or inner space and made contact with another instance of myself and he was showing me everything they had in there world, they were so much advanced then we were the whole thing was totlay life like.

i will go into what happened in that dimention another time but lets sya i had problems getting back to this reality. and when i did manage it. i hit psycossis in a very big way, i started freekikng out and running round my house i was being attacked by an entity from that unverse.
I then ran out the house without anything on my feet, i made it uop the road to burger king and started freekikng out in there, they took my mobile of me and i asked them to call my girlfirnd at the time and she came down to get me.

I was proper gone with the fairyies and needed help bad so i called another friend of my who is a psyciy nurse and he got me a cab to his house rather than the hospital and he gave me some drugs to bring me down and i slept then for a day or so.

the whole experiance totaly warped my sence of reality, its something i never wish to experiance again, and something i have lived to tell the tail off, my relationship with speed ended that day, i know i will never take that stuff again i have noi need to i have been to the end with it and have nothing more to see, i kinda feel that way about (H) now that our time together has ended. The price for useing is two dam high now and i have so much more to live for.

this i feel is whats needed when coming of (H) you need a reason to live for if you dont have one you wont get of (H) everyone needs to find something to hold onto, (H) takes away your current life and gives you a new one like being a vampire, you are still alive but totaly diffrent you need to feed(TAKE H) or drink blood.

I want to write about what i saw in that place i visited as it was so totaly crazy, i do belive that there are parralel universes out there, we just need to find was of getting into them without blown our minds with drugs.

To all the new members of this group, how about posting somthing here, anything will do. lol
Happy happy xmas to everyone.!!!!

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(no subject)

Dec. 11th, 2006 | 06:52 am
posted by: maybeimamazed in heroin_support

I've been clean for six weeks and a few days. I'm not on methadone or suboxone or anything like that. I don't know how I managed to get through this far without shooting myself. I have highs and lows, but mostly lows, and the highs are usually somewhat odd and bear benchmarks of neurosis... and since my addiction began with pain meds for a legitimate pain issue, I'm struggling with the question of whether I should try and learn to deal with the pain naturally or try and learn to pace myself. A big part of the issue is that i am broke. I support myself most of the time, and feel very strange receiving help from others, since I haven't slept but 1-3 hours every 2-3 days for the past 6 weeks- i can't function. I'm seriously depressed, having major anxiety most of the time, and this was a heavy, long-lived habit that I'm leaving behind. I could really use some words of advice from someone who has been here. I still feel so awful. I need to be there for my partner who will be in a far away city, lonely and kicking, as I have been from him. We need to stay clear of one another until we're both purged of the demons... HELP

i've kicked many times before and this is the longest i've been clean since the first time i kicked. i still can't sleep, i sweat through my clothes, my legs cramp up constantly- it isn't nearly as bad as the horrible withdrawal symptoms in the beginning. but its more than i can stand. i feel desperate, and if i don't figure out some way to get through this i will use again. i don't want to go back to that, but this is even worse. i'm broke and going to starve if i don't get my shit together, but i feel totally useless right now.

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Getting better

Nov. 14th, 2006 | 06:07 pm
mood: awake
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

Thinks have settled down now somewhat and im begining to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel so to speek. i know alot of my problems are coming from not being able to deal with where im living and the people around me here. Living were i do i almost feel like i shouldent be doing anything and have fallen into some sort of dilema were i cant get myself up and moving out of the problems around me.

I am now engaged to my lovly partner Paula she has given me the strengh and the support not to turn back on my path, and we have decided to move into her mums place for a few months so we can live together and start wokikng as a team to get out of our situation..

I do feel nervious about living with someone again, especialy after the last time whent so desaterly wrong. and i ended up with a monster habit and losing nearly everything i owned. I know she is nothinglike my last girlfirend she has maturity on her side and she realy realy does love me, i can feel it, where as in my other relashonships i never could feel loved. paula makes me feel special and wanted and in return i do the same for her.

I know after the move i can realy start to rebuild my life. my cacoon stage is almost finshed and i can feel myself wanting to bust free and fly.....

Its time i can feel it.

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stress and strain.

Nov. 7th, 2006 | 03:19 pm
mood: angryangry
music: Vocal Trance
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

What a hard night. I felt realy bad and could not sleep for ages, there is a drought on in the Uk and i cant get any smoke at the moment to ease the depression. Money is a real worry atm! i have to live on £30 a week, the place were im staying the guy wants now £15 a week of me towards bills. thats half my money gone straight away. Leaving me with 2 weeks to feeds support myself with £30, i cant make ends meet and its realy adding to my stress, its makikng me want to give up and just quit life.

The mad thing about this is that there is no need for it to be happening to me, the system is just being shit and nasty and there is no way to fight it.

I got engaged last week to, spent all my money on a ring for her, i have nothing left to live on and have had to borrow money for food to survive, when i get payed this week im going to end up with nothing when everyone is paid and depts payed back two.

I realy want to get a job and start re-building my life, but im still on my meds and have a few months left before im clean and ready to do this. Dept is crippling and destroying the work i have done. im only two weeks into my suspention and im allready in trouble, the min i have to wait now is 12 weeks for my appeal to be heard, they said i will get it all back when my appeal is sussessfull, but that dont help me now.Imm sick of being woke up every moring buy barkikng dogs and workmen.

I cant even get rest to get better, i feel like im constantlky under stress and feel i cant get out, in the uk, if your down on your luck thats were they like to keep you, they dont like helping people, they lay in the boot when you are now. humanity whent out the window with capitalism.
its all about the money and if your not down with that then there is only hell and missery to look forwared to.

Im trying so hard to focuss on the future, on getting married and living with my girl, Love is the only thing i have worth staying alive for and keeping with this dam program. without her i would of been back on the streets now doing god knows what.

I have two children that i see once in a wile when i can afford it, christmass is coming up and i have to try and find money for presents and the usual stuff thats needed for xmass.

I just have to hope and pray i can getmyself through this, one thing is for sure, i will never go near H again, if i do then i know it will be game over and i will be lost forever.
I have dreams and abishon like everyone else does, i am trying to become someone but as usual i cant get on the ladder to work my way up.

I have to learn how to fly, and fast or im gonna hit the ground and hard.

Love is the only decent thing in this godforsaken world, without it there would be no hope for anything or anyone.

Love is keeping me in the Air, i thank the gods daily for this.

I had my son for the day last week it was so good to be with him again, i love being a dad and i miss my children ever so much, the pain of takeing him home and having to walk away ripped me up inside i cryed loads that night and drunk myself to sleep. this was one of the reasons i started taking H in the first palce when i lost my home my partner of 6 years and my son. i could see no reason to go on.

Pain is real just like love its life flow of us humans and reminds us that everything in life is painfull and emotion is real and to be welcomed, i cant remember crying so much, but it felt good the next day.

Im trying to deal with all my problems to get back into society and become the consummer the state wants me to be, i do want to pay them taxes and buy all the useless goods they offer me to blank out the pain of a misrable life. I want to be plugged back into the matrix i want like everyone else does, but unfortunatly for me im on the train and i cant get of now, so i will just have to see were my train is going.

fuk the goverment, fuk society, fuk capitalism and the global market.
Save our world and fill it with love before were all destroyed.

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