Log in

No account? Create an account


stress and strain.

« previous entry | next entry »
Nov. 7th, 2006 | 03:19 pm
mood: angryangry
music: Vocal Trance
posted by: smooow in heroin_support

What a hard night. I felt realy bad and could not sleep for ages, there is a drought on in the Uk and i cant get any smoke at the moment to ease the depression. Money is a real worry atm! i have to live on £30 a week, the place were im staying the guy wants now £15 a week of me towards bills. thats half my money gone straight away. Leaving me with 2 weeks to feeds support myself with £30, i cant make ends meet and its realy adding to my stress, its makikng me want to give up and just quit life.

The mad thing about this is that there is no need for it to be happening to me, the system is just being shit and nasty and there is no way to fight it.

I got engaged last week to, spent all my money on a ring for her, i have nothing left to live on and have had to borrow money for food to survive, when i get payed this week im going to end up with nothing when everyone is paid and depts payed back two.

I realy want to get a job and start re-building my life, but im still on my meds and have a few months left before im clean and ready to do this. Dept is crippling and destroying the work i have done. im only two weeks into my suspention and im allready in trouble, the min i have to wait now is 12 weeks for my appeal to be heard, they said i will get it all back when my appeal is sussessfull, but that dont help me now.Imm sick of being woke up every moring buy barkikng dogs and workmen.

I cant even get rest to get better, i feel like im constantlky under stress and feel i cant get out, in the uk, if your down on your luck thats were they like to keep you, they dont like helping people, they lay in the boot when you are now. humanity whent out the window with capitalism.
its all about the money and if your not down with that then there is only hell and missery to look forwared to.

Im trying so hard to focuss on the future, on getting married and living with my girl, Love is the only thing i have worth staying alive for and keeping with this dam program. without her i would of been back on the streets now doing god knows what.

I have two children that i see once in a wile when i can afford it, christmass is coming up and i have to try and find money for presents and the usual stuff thats needed for xmass.

I just have to hope and pray i can getmyself through this, one thing is for sure, i will never go near H again, if i do then i know it will be game over and i will be lost forever.
I have dreams and abishon like everyone else does, i am trying to become someone but as usual i cant get on the ladder to work my way up.

I have to learn how to fly, and fast or im gonna hit the ground and hard.

Love is the only decent thing in this godforsaken world, without it there would be no hope for anything or anyone.

Love is keeping me in the Air, i thank the gods daily for this.

I had my son for the day last week it was so good to be with him again, i love being a dad and i miss my children ever so much, the pain of takeing him home and having to walk away ripped me up inside i cryed loads that night and drunk myself to sleep. this was one of the reasons i started taking H in the first palce when i lost my home my partner of 6 years and my son. i could see no reason to go on.

Pain is real just like love its life flow of us humans and reminds us that everything in life is painfull and emotion is real and to be welcomed, i cant remember crying so much, but it felt good the next day.

Im trying to deal with all my problems to get back into society and become the consummer the state wants me to be, i do want to pay them taxes and buy all the useless goods they offer me to blank out the pain of a misrable life. I want to be plugged back into the matrix i want like everyone else does, but unfortunatly for me im on the train and i cant get of now, so i will just have to see were my train is going.

fuk the goverment, fuk society, fuk capitalism and the global market.
Save our world and fill it with love before were all destroyed.

Link | Leave a comment |

Comments {0}